The kittens are gone!!! Someone must have taken them and the thought that they might have been harmed or hurt in any way makes me sick. They were so cute when I saw them last playing on the lawn with their mama. Who does things like that?
I have been tormented by nightmares the last few nights and they rob me of my sleep, my energy and my creativity. I am walking around like a zombie, too tired to think straight. Usually I am in a strange city, meeting strange people (like Amish people in Moscow) and then bad things happen, like floods, my cat running away, I am trying hard to go after her and can't reach her, and one night I dreamed that someone very dear to me had died. I always wake up scared and sad and with my heart pounding like mad. Last night I was dreaming about some trouble with my mother and a lot of people in Vienna trying to keep me from leaving or delaying my departure. That is one dream that keeps coming back, me not being able to get out of there. I know the last few days in Vienna were difficult and the last day was the worst of all, I was all alone with the cat, nobody to see me off or to say good bye, but I have been here for almost 10 months, can't those dreams just stop now? Please?
I made the mistake to call my mother yesterday, I forgot how negative my parents are and how easily they can drag me down. All my life they never encouraged me in a positive way, they never had anything nice, good or positive to say about anything I did. The day I graduated from school I came home to an empty house - my parents were out walking the dog, so important was my graduation to them. When Del and I told them that we planned to get married - no reaction, they did not take part in the planning of the wedding and my mother even threatened to not show up, which gave me a nervous breakdown the evening before. When we told them that we are moving to the US, my father stopped talking to us and obviously put some pressure on my mother as well, because she did not want to take any of our stuff, her stove broke and I offered her mine, which was almost new, and at first she said she wanted it and all of a sudden she did not want it anymore. They never showed any interest in our plans or offered any kind of help, not even moral support. When I called her yesterday all she had to say was that if Del is not able to find work I won't either and what are we living off? Well, if they would have shown more interest they would know that. I felt really bad for the rest of the weekend and I am still not completely out of the hole. I have to learn not to allow other people to drag me down so much.
Del's parents are totally different, they keep sending us encouraging letters and cards and emails and they offered to help out financially, they won't let us go down.
I am very happy here and I am absolutely sure that things will work out, everything happens for a reason, maybe we needed time to slow down and get out of the hectic life the big city forced us into and that's why we got such a long vacation. God won't let us fail after he brought us that far.
I go to bed now and pray for a dreamless sleep, I can't take anymore nightmares.
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